JaxBeachHippie

It’s 4:29 a.m. I’ve been lying here for hours trying to sleep, but I can’t. Like most nights it’s the wee hours in the morning before I finally drift off.
Tonight It’s raining; actually it’s been raining all day. As my mind wonders off, listening to the rain dance across my roof and shutters; I think of him. When I think of him I want to hold hm so tight, but I can’t just like I can’t hold a handful of raindrops. So, I think about him because we shared a love for thunderstorms, lightening and rain storms.

We loved sitting outside when the storms came through and talked, laughed and sometimes we would dance. When the hurricanes would come we would go to the beach and stand to see if the winds could blow us away. We would dance on the beach and take silly pictures and be soaked to the bone, but we didn’t care because we were together and happy. We loved the rain; so yes especially when it rains, or storms or the hurricanes come through I think of him.

Him/he was My fiancé Lance. He was so alive and so full of life he made you laugh even when he slept. He was a very funny sleep talker. Which is why the nights are even more lonely, even when he slept he sometimes talked to me. So many things every single day remind me of him and unintentionally his name is spoken. I don’t do it intentionally or to make people uncomfortable it can’t be helped. Like a slip of a tongue it comes natural. He is who I dream of, think of, and wonder how I’ll ever make it through this life without… HIM.

How can the rain, or the storms ever be the same when he was here. When he was here and we would watch a movie he would say “Do you know why they have rain or a storm just before the ending”? “It’s a foreboding of a change coming”. It can be beautiful or ominous, but it’s coming. It wasn’t raining the day he left us; but in my heart it was a tsunami of pain. It hit me like hurricane Katrina, who left a lifetime of devastation and pain for others.

I know after two and a half years most people probably can go days, weeks or even months without thinking of him or saying his name but, I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this life of him part here with me, and the reality of him gone. I still feel him; every single day. I still hear him and dream with him. He’s still very much present in my life; even though he’s no longer here. I know a lot of people are tired of it, and think I should’ve moved on by now. “Move on” such ignorant words. How?

When your love/soulmate/forever person/spouse has passed and there was no end; how? When it’s sudden, out of the blue, and without warning how?? Like a flash flood that comes so quickly and causes such travesty; yes like that, he was gone. The rains can come and go and I wait for the climax but the end never comes. I wait for him, long for him; with my heart in limbo wondering how to move forward, how to let go, how to move on, How? I wait for the rain, the storm to come and flood my soul to wash away the broken pieces, the broken shell of a home which was us. He was my home.

As Lance would say “Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows”. So, until then every single day after the rain comes and goes; I will look up to the sun and look for the rainbow, I will glare through the tunnel and look for the light. Also, I will continue to hope that someday a tomorrow will somehow bring comfort and peace. Until then… rain on; I know I’ll see you in the end.