The hardest thing about being an adult is doing it alone. I thought I had a perfect life; everything was going exactly as I wanted… finally. After three children and the worst marriage ever I finally found someone. Was he perfect NO, but he tried very hard to be. When we met he was a complete mess but we worked on it. After a few years, we got engaged and I was on cloud nine. We had great jobs, an awesome condo, and we did what we wanted when we wanted. He was loving, kind, generous and so thoughtful in everything he did for me. He even decided he could arrange flowers better than the flower shops. So he would go on his lunch break and buy two dozen roses, an assorted arrangement and go home cut them and arrange them (removing the carnations because he knew I hated them) and bring them to me while on his break, and they were always so beautiful and way better! He had so much love to give and such a big heart. We traveled, went to shows, hung out with our friends, camped, and fished; it was a great life. Then I lost him; after 12 years of a beautiful life together he passed away; and left me in shambles.
Now, it’s been 18 months and I don’t know how to do this. I can’t get it together. I don’t know how to live without him and trying to move forward is impossible. Everything I do, everything I try is just meaningless. Trying to focus on work and responsibilities is impossible, the simple task of getting out of bed in the morning and even taking a shower is just too much to even think about. Life is too overwhelming and I don’t know how to do it without him, he was my rock and my grounding and I don’t have that anymore. He was my person; the one you call first when you need opinions, assistance, or guidance he always there and knew how to make it better.
So, where do I go from here; how do I dig myself out of this depression and move forward in life? I don’t know the answer, but I guess I will figure it out one day.
I look up to the stars and I see you, I see a Monarch butterfly, a Geico lizard or turtle and I see you. I listen to our favorite songs and I hear you. I know you are here with me everywhere, but I can’t touch you, snuggle you, hold your hand, hear that silly laugh or smell you anymore, which makes me so sad anyways my baby, my love, my soulmate I will always, always love you.
JaxBeachHippie 