JaxBeachHippie

I was 35 when my fiance woke me up from a  horrible dream, crying in my sleep, and was quite inconsolable. My dream was about me as a little girl when I was only four or five, and I spent the night with my Aunt and Uncle after a family reunion. I remember exactly what I was wearing; a little jumpsuit it was yellow with my black Mary Janes. I remember it being a good day playing with my cousins, grilling out, and listening to music as any other normal family gathering.

I asked my mom about this and she remembered it and was surprised that I could remember exactly what I was wearing, what we were there for, and where it was. She was horrified when I recounted my dream to her.

Obviously, I had suppressed this memory for over thirty years, but for some reason, I remembered it very clearly.

After everyone had left and it was time for bed. I remember my Aunt putting me to bed in their room with them, and of course, I didn’t have sleepover clothes so, I went to bed in my little yellow jumper. I remember as I was dozing off to sleep when I felt my uncle touching me, and whispering to be very quiet and be very still.

I was scared and unsure as to what was happening, but he told me it was special because I was his favorite. I remember he pulled the elastic around my leg so he could put his fingers inside my jumper and into my panties and him touching himself under the covers.

Afterward, he told me it was our special secret and not to tell anyone. I remember I never wanted to spend the night with them ever again, or for him to even hug me, and apparently I eventually forgot about it. I was four maybe almost five and had this terrible thing happen to me,  

I was always scared to be around him and I really didn’t understand why.

As an adult and I had children of my own I was super protective over them, so far that I didn’t want strangers or even people in my church to even pick them up and hold them. I had a very strong vibe especially men that wanted to hold them which made me very uncomfortable, and I wasn’t sure what caused me to feel that way.

Unfortunately, my daughters went through the same exact thing with their own father right under my nose. It breaks my heart even more that I didn’t see the signs, and didn’t know until they were teenagers that it was going on.  They always seemed so happy and well adjusted that until they became teenagers and started acting out nothing seemed abnormal. At that point, I just chalked it up to normal pre-teen behavior. It sickens me to know that the one person I trusted the most with my children; their own father was an abuser and more so I didn’t see it was even happening!

They asked me to leave their dad as they knew I was very unhappy in the marriage and after our divorce, they told me of all the things they endured throughout the times I was working and traveling on mission trips. This not only happened to them but other young women, “my friends” that would come over with their children for “play dates”.

Being a child of molestation/abuse/rape, can affect you in very different ways; I was a victim only once that I recall, but so many children deal with this on a monthly, weekly, or even daily basis. A while ago, some girlfriends and I were talking and this subject was brought up and every single one of them had, had some kind of sexual abuse in their past. One of them even made a joke about it, and said: “look around, every girl in this room has been touched by an uncle, cousin, friend of the family, or a family member”.

A child needs to know if they are being touched inappropriately; it’s not okay, and that they need to tell someone immediately. If the abuse starts at a particularly young age it can be misconstrued as love or normal. They need to know if it’s a secret it’s probably wrong.

They need to be taught early on to speak up and not be scared to tell someone. That they should tell a parent, teacher, or grandparent; someone they can trust and not feel ashamed to talk to. If the parent is the abuser the trauma is even more devastating, long-lasting, and life-altering if not dealt with early on.

If you are a parent this is something that needs to be talked about with your children as soon as they can understand what their private parts are. They need to be explained as to what is appropriate and loving affection versus what is inappropriate, and how important it is to tell someone immediately.

Children that suppress abuse and grow up carrying their secret tend to turn to drugs, alcohol, and become dysfunctional and struggle as an adult. I believe it devalues them and makes them feel unworthy or has a lack of self-worth. They struggle in school and, most seem to only have toxic relationships and turn to abusive relationships because that’s what feels normal to them. Case in point with my own children who still struggle with what they went through at such young ages.

Sometimes as parents we do not even see the signs that our children have been abused especially if it happens very young in life so, don’t beat yourself up. Just get them help when you do find out, and support them as long as they need it. Make very sure they know it is NOT their fault and it’s not okay. There are many groups, support systems, including therapy out there to help them understand what has happened to them. It’s so important for them to realize it’s not their fault, so they can heal and overcome sexual abuse.

Ignoring it or not believing them is a terrible tragedy that will affect them forever.

In conclusion, watch your children, be protective of whom you allow being around them, and teach them about sexual abuse early, and most importantly how to stop it. Don’t let your child become a victim, and if they have had to endure the painful path of sexual abuse don’t let them live as a victim help them to become an overcomer.   

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/sexual-abuse