JaxBeachHippie

Back in 2006 when MySpace was a thing I moved back to Jacksonville after a divorce. My family was in a different county and I had been away for so long I had lost contact with all my friends. So, I took to MySpace and started chatting and looking for new friends and people close to where I live. So, I ran across this profile pic; a man with the most stunning blue eyes I had ever seen. I think I loved him at that very moment. We began to exchange private messages and by the end of the week, he asked me out for a drink. As the story goes “He lived with his roommates and his vehicle was getting work done on it.”

He asked me if I could pick him up I was nervous and, considered turning around many times. I finally got to the house and he walked out and, I was like good Lord this is the most beautiful man I have ever seen; his hair all jelled and messy and stubble on his face he looked like a rock star. And then….. He said give me a minute and went back in and decided to wear a beanie. I immediately thought I was going to be on one of the “Disappeared” shows.

I was so nervous when we got to the bar and, I didn’t drink at the time so, we had one drink with good conversation and great laughs but, I called the night short and took him back home. When I dropped him off we talked for a minute and he said he would like to see me again and I just told him to text me and then he reached over and gave me the most passionate kiss and then pushed my mouth away with his and said “peace out cub scout” and walked away like the king of the jungle. We texted, Myspace’d talked on the phone every day for hours even while at work and, he asked me out again for a Halloween party at a friend’s house. We had a great time and, he introduced me to all his friends and, ending up coming back to my house. That was 15 years ago, we lived together and spent every day together since that day.

I have never been around drugs or alcohol much in my life, so when things first started happening; I thought it was just the alcohol. By the time I understood he was an addict it was too late; we were totally in love and attached at the hip. This is the part I tell you “roommates” were his parents and “vehicle Troubles” was he had to blow into a device to start his car. He had two DUI’s, had lost his place, and, his job.

Regardless, We had the kind of relationship all of our friends wish they had. His family told me I was the best thing that happened to him. We always had so much fun together and by the first of the year he was back in business with a great job and we moved to a new place together. We fought a lot and, finally, I figured out he was using but, I didn’t know what that meant. So, it continued and, I said nothing. I read a lot about it and tried to understand and help him but, the talks would only last a short period. As his using progressed the money was becoming a huge problem so, I split our bank accounts and let him have all his money except for his portion of the bills; which roughly left around 500-700$ weekly to do as he wished. Finally, I told him “I give up” fighting with an addict is like fighting a great white shark; you won’t win, Getting off his back also gave him the opportunities to pay for our dinners out and, drinks when we went out. Also, understand how much money he was using on drugs. Shortly after he would end up having to borrow money from our bill account and leaving me to cover the difference. This went on for several years and, after I stopped tormenting him to get clean we settled into a wonderful life, he was getting promotions, we made great money between the both of us and we traveled and had great times.

He texted me one day a few years into our relationship and said he had a doctor’s appointment and would be late. When he got home he told me he had gone into a treatment program and got on Suboxone; he stayed clean for the most part for 8 years. I knew he had been using other types of drugs on occasion but, I just kept my mouth shut. He was so sweet and we each loved to spoil each other so, I would search out things he loved and he would lavish me in jewelry (he went to Jared) lol. Also, he thought he was a way better florist so, over the years of flowers he sent me that would die before the end of the week, he decided to go to Publix and buy two dozen roses and a bouquet arrangement and go home on his lunch break and arrange these huge bouquets; he always removed the carnations because he knew I didn’t like them. I bought him everything he ever wanted and his family always told him he was spoiled rotten but, we loved doing things for one another. At this point, he had already bought me an “I promise to marry you someday” ring. That’s what he called it when he gave it to me because he was just so funny.

On Christmas of 2013 he asked me what I wanted and I told him I wanted a black diamond ring so we headed to Jared’s and we picked out this beautiful wedding band; they didn’t stock black diamonds so, he laid it away. My birthday was in June and, he said he wanted to take me to get a new diamond but, he didn’t want it to be black. He planned a beautiful trip to Cumberland Island and alas proposed. If you ever shop Jared’s, their jewelry boxes are very large so, he picked up the ring and we went on our little romantic weekend. He intended to propose on the island and, I had a good feeling it was coming. We spent all day exploring and had a picnic and NO, he didn’t pop the question. I have to say I was disappointed. We got back to our room and we were deciding where to have dinner and he said he wanted to order in we had dinner in our room and made bad karaoke and dance videos and hung out to go back to the island the next day. We woke up to go and I thought today is the day and, I saw him behind me as I was standing at the mirror; all morning messy and brushing my teeth and slobbering and he disappeared. I turned around to see where he had gone and he was down on one knee toothbrush still in my mouth and he asked me to be his wife. Needless To say we didn’t make it back to the island that day. I asked him why he hadn’t done it the day before on the island and he said the box was too big to put in his pocket and, I would notice it. HA, he was so afraid to take it out of the box and lose it. He was silly like that.

Immediately I wanted to set a date and we planned for August 30, 2014, with his proposal he set a condition on himself that he wanted to be completely sober and off the suboxone by our wedding date. We planned a destination wedding in his hometown and, I custom made the invitations and made the wedding more about him than me because I had been married before.

It was shabby chic centered around music and guitars because that was his passion, as the date got closer and closer he couldn’t get off the little suboxone he was using and I think he put too much pressure on himself. He started using again and second-guessing the wedding and told me he would always be an addict and I deserved better.

We started fighting again and he started getting advice from the very people that told me I made him into a better man. He had not been in trouble for 12 years. My final fitting was a terrible mess and very hurtful from one of his family members I invited to be there and, when I got home I told him and he called her and said terrible things then we had a huge fight. I made him leave and he went and got wasted on a weeknight and went to our wedding website and called it off. I woke up about 4:30 in the morning to about 100 missed calls, texts, and Facebook messages. He woke up and didn’t remember he even did it. I told him we could not go backward and, He ultimately told me he needed to try to grow up and become a man and be better for me. He moved out and within a year he moved to the beach and tried heroin for the first time.

He overdosed the first time shortly after using only a handful of times, he was in the hospital a couple of days and, swore he would never touch “the devil’s drug again” I am not quite sure how often he had been using. He lost his job, his house and got a couple of DUI’s. We still talked all the time and I finally got a boyfriend and that did not sit well with him: he literally tormented him and told him “she and her children are my family” so, I broke up with him it was just too hard. I loved him and only him. There was no point in me even trying to move on because he would always know where I would be and crash and monopolize my time even when I was with someone else.

We started to talk again around Christmas of 2016 and by the first of the year, he told me he wanted to get married. he was clean and loving life and working hard with his best friend. I told him I would marry him; that’s all I ever wanted, but he had to prove it. We then started seeing each other. He called me one day in January asking me a question about stock options and I told him I had vested him in the company he worked for when he was hired full time back in 2007 so he had a pretty large amount he had to cash out or roll over because he was no longer employed there. He told me a few weeks later he would get his money in May. He came over several times and we did stuff together with friends and, he was still drinking a lot but, drugs use seemed to no longer be apparent.

Memorial day weekend 2017 he called me over the weekend to make plans to hang out on the boat; the only thing he got to do with his money and, he had only gotten a few weeks earlier with the money and, I told him I would come. I told him I had a few things I had to do but, I would call him when I was ready because he was sending an Uber. I talked to him around 4:30 and he was already slurring his speech. as we were about to hang up, he said, “you’re not coming are you” to this day I believe he truly thought I would not come but, I said yes I would come; I just had to get my laundry done, and take a shower. I called him around 7;30 in the evening to tell him I was ready and he didn’t answer this was on Sunday before Monday, Memorial day.

He had talked to my daughter for about two hours about me and wished her happy birthday and, he told her he was just going to come to my house and say “let’s stop this shit and go get married he would never get over me and didn’t want to live without me” and she said DO IT!. He was still very much a part of my children’s lives and they still consider him their dad. I called and text a few more times but, I knew he had friends over and figured he was busy or his phone was put away; I never heard from him again, ONE last voicemail I still have while I was in the shower, I love you.

The next day I had plans with friends for a BBQ and, had just arrived at their house when his sister called me to tell me he was in the hospital. I jumped on my bike and got there and, I think I died a little that day myself. He had been there since the night before as a John Doe because the kids he was hanging with when the beach marina was called they were destroying evidence and looting the boat as the police arrived and they had his wallet. He laid there dying while they were taking care of themselves and robbing him. Two were arrested and one taken to the hospital and he is still under the radar the police can’t find him so, I guess we will never know what happened on the boat that day. They have to live with the fact that they did NOTHING to help him. I hope they feel that pain every day. Because maybe if they had called 911 immediately he would still be here,

When I walked in the room I knew it was not good, he was on life support and nonresponsive. His mom introduced me to the staff as his fiance so they were good at keeping me in the loop, they told me they didn’t know how long he had been unresponsive but, the paramedics had to shock him twice and give him medication to revive him. I went on his left side and just laid on him and begged him to wake up. When I finally calmed down which seemed like hours I noticed the John Doe tag on his wrist and I lost my mind. His mom made me go home that night and, I got zero sleep waiting to get back to the hospital the next day. I got there at 7 that morning waiting for shift change and, sat there with him for the next 5 days; only to get bad news on top of bad news. By Wednesday they did another brain scan because his sister and I just couldn’t accept it. Nothing.

We had decided very early on and shared our death plans with one another and, I was already an organ donor and he got on the donor list as well. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes split and half go into the Atlantic and the other at his home at his dad’s cabin. That did not happen. Wednesday was the worst day because he went from patient to an organ donor waiting for recipients. His mother spoke with the organ donor coordinator and told him he had been a hardcore user since 18. So that limited what they could even use at that point.

By this time I was there a lot by myself because his family had to work. By God’s grace Thursday night as they were coming in and out taking vials and vials of his blood to send out to potential matches his donor coordinator came in she told me because of his drug use they were probably only going to be able to use his kidneys, lungs and maybe his liver. She asked me to tell her about him and we just talked she wanted to know him and I told her his story. I never left but twice briefly with his dad to try to get me to eat and take a quick shower. His dad adored me. He told me that his son told him one time on the phone if it wasn’t for me he would have been dead already that I saved his life. Friday early before anyone got there the coordinator came in and after speaking with me she put his heart on the list and had a potential match that was willing to take it. So, Friday they scheduled his surgery for 9 am Saturday.

Everyone came to say their goodbyes and have some private time with him. I could not wait I just sat at the door until I could get back in there I didn’t want to miss one second of time I had left to wash, and brush his hair like I did every night and love on him, waiting for the dreadful hour to come upon us to say goodbye forever was the worst. We all gathered in his room around 8:30 waiting for them to come to get him we said prayers and his Aunt sang and, we were asked to leave because the transplant team was there. I didn’t want to go so, I stayed back as long as I could and then we all walk out together.

His brother-in-law offered to take me and my bike back home and I will never forget the last words that came out of his mother’s mouth. We had custom made matching bikes as she looked over and watched me unlock my bike she looked over at his brother and said “ Hey do you want his bike” we haven’t spoken since; just a couple of texts about the service and, if I could go to the funeral home, and could I get a lock of his hair also, me begging for a few of our things in her storage we shared. Our record collection, and Nirvana collection and a few t-shirts, and his music off his hard drive. His dad and sister agreed I should have whatever I wanted first but, I never got anything, only the stuff he left with me, I was promised some of his ashes and I got a necklace to put them in but, I didn’t get those either so, I decided to wear our rings on my necklace until the 1 year anniversary. People ask me all the time what they are if they don’t know and it allows me to share his life with them,

He was not a junkie… he was beautiful, kind, giving, and loving; he was truly a beautiful soul. He was one of a kind special with the best laugh in the world. I have grieved myself sick over this last year and this whole story is basically to inform people to watch their loved ones close especially if you know they have a problem; never give up and leave them to figure it out. Losing them forever is far worse than dealing with the addiction. It’s irreversible.

I wish I had done a lot of things differently and to this day I wake up; if I even get a good couple hours of sleep and, immediately feel alone and like I’ve been punched in the gut, and I don’t know if I will ever love again. Because all I want is him back, I wish I had put the laundry off, I wish I had realized he just didn’t want me there; he needed me there. But, I can’t change what happened. All I can do is tell my story and go to grief meetings, support groups and hope someday I will heal,

Heroin/Drugs are ruining people every day, addiction is ruining relationships every day. But, all we can do is try to help our loved ones through it and, support them NOT enable. I hope if you are reading this it will give you some perspective, my guy was raised well; by a military dad and both, his brothers are policemen. It can happen to anyone. He had a birthday a few months after he left us and he would have been 37. For his birthday we set off alien lanterns from our wedding in honor of my beloved. I can not celebrate his life yet, I am still very angry. He truly is the love of my life.

Help is out there. Don’t wait until it’s too late, ignorance is not bliss be aware. If you are an addict please hear this no family should have to endure the pain of losing you. Everyone thinks they know how much they can handle but, what you don’t think about is what you’re truly getting and it only takes one fatal mistake and you have put your family in the situation I am in today. Everything is getting chopped, laced, named and renamed. It’s not worth it nor fair. An instant overdose is painful enough but, to sit in a hospital for a week just praying for you to wake up is awful.

The organ donation process adds another three days to your family’s grief while we look at you and know you are NOT waking up but, someone else will live because of you so, consider all this and find help. I hope to meet his recipient and hopefully hear his heartbeat again but, it’s not in him anymore it’s helping someone else live. And, yeah he would be proud of that and probably bragging somewhere.

This is dedicated to the one I love; he was not a junkie he had a disease but, foremost he was a beautiful human that was taken way too soon.

Resources:

If you or someone you know is battling addiction. LSF Health Systems Inc. is a program that refers patients to a treatment facility. You can call 877-229-9098 24 hours a day for help.

https://www.news4jax.com/news/investigations/heroin-overdoses-skyrocketing-in-every-jacksonville-zip-code

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline